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The Roman Catholic Church (RC) has had a burr up its
collective butt, for a long time on the issue of masturbation (heehee). This goes back to the story of Onan, from
which the old term for masturbation “Onanism” is derived.
In Genesis 38:1-10, we read that God didn’t much like Er
(Judah’s first born) and so he did him in; killed him dead without any elaboration.
So Judah says to Onan “Go into your brother’s wife and perform the duty of a
brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” Now Onan, not
being a real deep thinker, decides that the offspring of a sexual union between
his sister-in-law and himself would not be his, so he goes into her and just
when things come to a head (so to speak) he wastes the semen “on the ground.”
Consequently verse 10 tells us “And what he did was wicked in the sight of the
LORD, and he put him to death also.” Sucks to be one of Judah’s kids.
Now there is much more to this story, including the
sister-in-law getting it on in the guise of a cult prostitute with Judah, and
God not getting all pissed and putting him to death also for copulating with a
prostitute who is really his daughter-in-law. That does not seem to bother the
LORD. We are going to leave that for another time though and see if we can get
a grasp of this Onanism/masturbation question. (heehee).
So the RC decides to act as though this story is
real, as in, actually happened, rather than admitting it is a convoluted rough
draft for a soap opera, and forbids Onanism as an affront to the LORD. Exactly
why God was pissed is never explained in the story. Was he upset that Onan wasn’t
following directions to get his sister-in-law preggers, or that he was spilling
his seed on the ground? God doesn’t say, and Moses, who supposedly wrote this
drivel, doesn’t let on either.
Now what if it was all about Onan refusing to knock-up his
sister-in-law. Isn’t the RC risking God’s wrath by NOT letting demanding
that brothers service the wife/wives of their deceased male siblings? I mean,
what happens if God quits reading the paper and realizes that we have been
neglecting our duties as brothers-in-law? BUT, and it’s a big BUT, it could
have been that God was pissed about the whole spilling the seed thing, and masturbation’s
wrong because it foiled the whole making babies bit that the RC is so fond of.
We may never know, but this brings up an important point.
None of this has anything to do with the women. This is clearly all on the guys, and yet the RC has issues about women masturbating too.
No matter how you look at it, and trust me when I say that
men have been looking at it for a long time, women masturbating does not…NOT…have
anything to do with making babies. They can masturbate for days on end, and not
one little egg will suffer. No seed hits the ground. There is no rational
reason to forbid the gals from engaging in a little one-on-self time.
So maybe the bright lights in the RC should rethink (or
perhaps just think period) the whole attitude they have against women
masturbating, and while they’re at it, they should put the “Onanism” fixation
on the back burner until such time as they get a memo from God clarifying the
matter. Of course, given the silence from up there, that may be a while.
